iamchechax

i am having a nice time..

and i am officially missing you….

i was confronted face to face by a significant past.

i wasnt scared. i wasnt expecting anything. i thought i’d be rattled. but wasnt.

and for one significant moment, i wished it was YOU right in front of me..

damn it.demet.

i think i love you. but i wish i dont…

it took me 4 years before i finally realize i have to complete myself. for 6 yrs, i have depended heavily on someone to define myself. his hobbies became mine, his friends became mine, his favorite food became mine, his life became mine. you can only imagine what happened to me the day he walked out the door.

i was crushed. and literally, i didnt know how to even start my life.

i started going out. met a whole bunch of people. went to places. did things on my own. conquered opportunities without thinking twice. decided on my own. strolled the malls on my own. bought a cup of Strabucks coffee on my own. rode a cab without texting anyone the cab’s plate number. stayed out way too late without reporting to anyone. fell in love again. held my heart. broke my heart. fix it again. its pretty awesome. there are days when i’d think i know i can have better days. but the tough days have molded me to be the person that i am today. of course i got help. my bestfriends were there every step of the way.

now, i met someone. 4 years my junior. he is really nice. and in some weird ways, i know i like him a lot. the past few days i have been really thinking if this can lead somewhere. in my heart, i really hope and pray we get to somewhere real. but i know he is not ready. he is not telling me but i can see. i can feel.

after all, the guy is just 23 years old. the age when i was so excited to conquer the world. the stage where i started my path to self discovery. who am i to deprive him of that joy ride? we had a serious talk and pretty much we agree on these things. at this point, i can say i know myself already. and i know he still dont know himself that well. there are a lot of open doors waiting for him. and he is still not sure which way he would want to go. i cant help but smile everytime he lists down the things he wants to buy. the things he wants to own. and in some ways, it saddens me that i know i am not totally part of that list. i know he likes me. i know he cares. but sometimes, wanting 2 different things can really screw things up.

these thoughts hinder me enjoy the moments. blame it on my age. im 27 now and somehow, i dont want to waste time. i dont want to waste time investing on emotions. it took a while before i was totally over my previous relationship and im telling you..it is not easy….i hate to admit it but i know deep down im scared…super scared..

im having weird feelings now. everyday i look for signs that he will just stop talking to me. maybe because he woke up and realized he cant keep up with my unspoken expectations…and i know it would hurt me.because i know we have pretty much levelled up as two people “dating”.

i dont know. im confused now. i texted my guy bestfriend and he just told me to go for it. not be scared. if in the end i’ll get hurt, all i have to do is to wait for the right one (i hope he is on his way…) he said everything i have learned will automatically kick in. well i hope it starts kicking in now. i darn need them.

i have said too much i know but i havent gotten to the point yet. the 4 yrs i have spent on my own completed me. i realized its true that as you roll along this life, you complete yourself. you shouldnt rely on anyone to complete you. you should look for someone who would complement that completeness.

you know why im hell scared, because that how HE makes me feel…but in the end, i know i have to give him sometime. so he can complete himself too. so if ever we would be given a chance, i can complement that completeness too….

come and try to fix me….

waaaahhhh…

i must be going nuts!

i am having this huge crush on someone my friend M introduced to me. my friend told me he has/had a crush on me. i dont know if its true but i dont really care. haha pride issues! haha i met him a few months back and its been a while since i felt this gradeschool rush!

well anyway, it was in Pahiyas and we almost didnt see each other because i was in a tour group so we really had to leave but my friend ran her heart out so we can still see them. kaboom! i have my instant crush. a few days later, my friend and i had dinner (together with our other friends) and she tagged him along. kabooom again, it felt like i was in my elementary grounds! (i told you i am going nuts!)

did i say we had dinner?…oh yes i did, this kilig is taking the better me na talaga!haha :D after dinner, M asked me if i wanted to join them to watch a movie. i gladly said yes! (papakaplastik pa ba ko?hahaha )

we sat beside each other (because my friends were teasing us) but we just talked once and i was the one who initiated it pa! dyahe!!! hehe well anyway, i was just ceasing the moment. it was a boring movie actually, or was it just because i was too busy looking at how he sit, move, talk to his other friend beside him. haha :D i was so kilig when he held his hands together. i was like, shet, i think i am going to faint if he holds me like that. hahaha see i really am a mad woman now. haha :) so in short, i didnt quite appreciate the movie but it was fun sitting beside him. my Php151 was worth it! haha :)

when we were about to go home, he asked me “san ka?”. haha i was pretending i wasnt paying attention so i said “ako?” hahaha i think i have succeeded in pretending i wasnt listening to him by the look on his face. hahaha then i said “dapitan, sa may ust”. :D so he said to the group, “hatid muna naten sya.” so they walked me out of the mall, i hailed a cab and said bye bye.

deep in my heart i was really hoping he would ask for my number and would text me if i reached home safely. but sorry me, he didnt. i didnt bother asking na din. basta i just slept smiling.

the next day, me and my friends were exchanging emails and my friend M was like indirectly telling me its going somewhere. so, mad woman that i am, i hoped that we can still see each other. pop, burst your bubble che. that didnt happen.

then something happened between one of my friends and M. there was an issue that M might just be leading me on to something na non existent naman. and that was the “crush” thing my friend M was talking about.

oh man, im telling you, i carried that for weeks! everyday i was hoping my friend M would email me for an update. pop again, didnt happen. so i was like, ok fine. just another boy.

after a few months, i have gotten over the crush until one day….he added me up on facebook!!!!! i almost dropped my phone when i saw the request. may hands were shaking when i clicked on CONFIRM!!!

backgrounder - i have stalked his profile long time before. but i didnt have the guts to add him up (hmm i am not too nuts after all :))

so now, i have the access to his “facebook life”. my everyday habit is to check on his profile. my gosh this is really bad noh? i am a 27 year old woman stalking a guy on facebook like a 15 yr old junior high. sick! but i dont care. hehe

so today i checked his pictures. i saw one shot from a country where i have been to also. he was standing on the almost same spot i stood on when i also took that tourist picture :) yeah i know, everybody stands there for that souvenir, but my heart is jumping thinking that we stood on the almost very same spot. hehehe ok ok im sick. :D

my point is, i havent had this feeling for a long time towards a complete stranger. the last time i felt this, i was in 1st year college. the guy is now a close friend because we are sorority/fraternity sisters/brothers. but when i had “that” crush on him, he didnt know that i even existed. hehe

waaah but i am really going nuts so i had to blurt it out. just in case this guy becomes my friend, i am going to share with him this entry. and i hope we will just laugh our asses off…or in the deepest corner of my heart, i hope when he reads this, he will end up kissing me and teasing me i was such a teenager. :)

its just amazing that a person can really feel this way towards another person. see i have been jaded for the past years and this feeling is completely alien to me.haha. dont judge me, i am just enjoying this. :)

who knows. haha but for the moment, just let me have this gradeschool crush on him ok? :)

<3 Y :)

the equation i super need at the moment to:

1. lose weight!

2. finish all my work!

3. balance my social life!

4. find a special activity that will make me feel a good member of the society!

SO HELP ME GOD…

i have been to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

..Macau, China

…Hongkong, China

…Bangkok, Thailand

..Singapore, Singapore.

Next Stop.Shanghai, China. God Bless My Savings! :D

we broke up almost 4yrs ago (i am not counting the 1 yr that we went back to each other because it wasnt actually “coming back” it was more “working things out” which obviously didn’t work), and yes, i am still single. but i have honestly recuperated and totally over him. but there are days i am reminded of him and i cant help but wonder what would it be like if we were still together. we were together for 7 years so you cant blame me if there are things i completely associate with him.

we had our company sportsfest yesterday. 2 things that reminded me of him:

1. it was held in UP Diliman - we met in UPLB and wandering around UPD reminded me of the perfect world i had back then.

2. He is a damn good basketball player - honestly, watching non-pro basketball tournament has never been fun since we separated. he taught me the in and outs of the game so i had an eye for those who really can play, and how to appreciate a real game.

my friend dropped me off LRT Santolan station. The bus station going to Tagaytay is in Araneta Center so the easiest for me to go to Cubao is to take the LRT. I was with him the first time i rode LRT. He has taught me the ins and outs of the city life. I am from Tagaytay, i attended UPLB so you can only imagine how much i know about Manila. There are weekends when we just went around Manila so he can show me where is DLGH, Ateneo etc etc. So taking that LRT reminded me of how kid i was when we were still together and how much he has guided me through most about everything i know about Manila now.

next stop, Gateway. We always spent time in Gateway since he is from Marikina, one of the most convenient places to go is Gateway. And what a perfect timing because it was Saturday yesterday. we have always gone to Gateway every Saturday. ssheees. see how much i was reminded of him yesterday?

i was browsing through facebook and i just realized that i have a good number of friends i have met through him. there is one friend who posted old pictures of the fraternity and i saw him in most of the pictures. i can still vividly recall how excited he was for every new activity of the frat. how proud he was everytime there is a new frat shirt printed.

i saw him grow as a man he had always hoped for. i probably miss him, and that person that i was before. so naive, so loving, so trusting. i miss having someone to depend on. though i would want to be too much dependent now. i miss just thinking about me and him, not a care in the world.

i miss his ever gentleman ways and i miss the way he looked at me. there are a good number of days when i can only remember the good ones. and honestly sometimes, i wish i could flush away the bad ones so all i would ever be reminded of him are the good things. we spent 7 years together, 7 years of learning, discovering, loving, forgiving. until our time was up.

i really believe that you meet people for a purpose. each person has a purpose in your life. and i have always believed that meeting him made me a better person. losing him made me realize that there are things i can only discover and appreciate on my own.

today i wont be thinking of the bad memories, i’d spent the day thinking of how wonderful those 7 years was. and even though we have lost touched of our old selves, it is always good to sometimes revisit the past and remind ourselves of the good things past has brought us.

he is happy now building a new life he had always wished for. and if one day i bump into to him, i’ll hug him tight and whisper words of thanks for being a huge part of what i am today.. :)

hey *****, i missed you.